Here’s my Traveler’s Quandry: how do I maintain my trip to the stars after the plane lands?
How do I stay grounded but keep from letting my old habits grind me down to dust?
How do I live a transformation still in progress?
For the past 10 days since my return from Italy, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted. It’s not the usual end-of-the-day- stress that tells me I did-too-much-or-too-little. It’s not Stendahl’s disease of overwhelment that comes when you lose the battle to stay permeable to an unimaginable wealth of art and beauty to see and feel.
Now I feel like a wind-up toy whose spring just gave out. I walk around in a stupor, when I am walking at all. Most days, I can’t keep my eyes open. I eat dinner early and afterwards, I feel as if someone drugged my food. I drag myself to the nearest couch and bury my face in the cushions. I can’t think after 4:30PM. I can’t stay awake past 8PM. I can’t sleep past 4AM.
And it’s only Wednesday.
In this odd kind of jet lag, I feel as if I am floating above a bottomless gap between the life I lived in Italy, and the life I left at home and have perhaps returned to. Not sure yet. I don’t feel touched down fully in either place.
I am in the gap and nothing fits.
With nothing to guide me, I am tempted to start up my old routine. To Do Lists feel familiar; not good, just familiar. Old thoughts and old habits are tempting me with empty promises; if I have a goal, I will accomplish a life, they whisper to me.
Lies.
In Italy, I discovered my life of wandering. Having no goals except one – to be alive right now – is the biggest challenge.
Still, the Goals are jockeying for position. Some mornings I awaken and there they are, are thinking me into existence. My old demons sitting at the table, drinking coffee, having the same tired conversations: The Money Monster (Is there enough money in the bank?) The Frantic Future (What will happen if this job doesn’t materialize?) The Morals Maniac (Did I do the right thing? ) The Scared Satyr (Is that pain in my arm dangerous? And what’s with your digestion?) The Guilt Gryphon (Will my kids be happy and self sufficient? How will it all work out for them?)
And finally, the Demon that makes the others look tame: The Who Howler:
Who am I and will I ever be the person, the writer, I want to be?
Behind all these demons is the puppet master. She looks a lot like me.
Strings move. Things change. Everything is constantly transforming and nothing stays still.
How comforting.
I have come home from someplace new, going to a new place. And all the time, I am right where I am.
Every day feels is a temporary framework around a moving scene. Each morning I take a last look at the person I was yesterday, and move on to meet the person I know I am becoming. Each day is a goodbye to the one before. Each morning is the first one that has ever been.
Your heart misses Italy, my friend Susan said to me yesterday. But my heart is not a whiner; she has a strong voice now.
I can follow my heart whether I am wandering the streets of Florence or walking the towpath along the river in Lambertville NJ. My pace is set by my dreams and my path forged by walking the walk.
The twilight time after vacations and journeys marks the ending of the old life you left behind, and the new one you have no choice but to embrace. In the gap is the inevitability of expansion. I can never be off my path; every place I make footprints is, by definition, my path. I am always the one traveling it, wherever I go.
So what do I write about now? The transition from a life changing journey to a changing life.
My plan for re-entry is to full embody the the person I am constantly changing into, and the person I see myself becoming. Expanded, Abundant, Happy. Writer, lover, yoga teacher.
For this moment. I have no plans for any of the others.
Hi Michael – yes, when you live fully in each moment, you are always home.
Hi Rhonda. I don’t know if this helps but for me the only thing that really works is living for today. I’ve been places I miss and remember but they are gone. There’s places I’d like to go and things I’d like to do but today I can’t live them. I can work toward them and live them when that day arrives. I can only live one day at a time and enjoy whatever God grants me for that day. I hope you find what you’re looking for and I’m sure you will.
Hi Norma – Yes, I agree; we are constantly changing being and thus, change can never come to an end.
Hi Susan – May this year be one of growth for everyone – the potential is there and the time has never been more ripe with possibility.
Hi Dr. Daisy, I have been back in New Jersey for almost three weeks and suddenly, I got it: Home, I realize, is not a location, but a feeling that comes over me to let me know that I am where I belong…for now.
Hi Solvita – I feel as if the breakthroughs here at home are softer now. The re-entry from Italy was a shock to my system. Today started something unconventional, to change my marriage into what I – we – want it to be consciously. I feel back in my freedom.
Hi Lisa – Lotuses always bloom most beautifully in muddy ponds – the mud is just so rich with fertile stuff! Thanks for following my journey
Rhonda… what a moving post. I don’t think we fully ever are who we are ever-changing into. Maybe your body is simply saying, I need a break. I believe if you listen you will know what your next steps are to be.
The LEARNED Preneur @ Norma Doiron.Net
Thank you for another beautiful and inspirational post, Rhonda! I love how you wrote, “My plan for re-entry is to full embody the the person I am constantly changing into, and the person I see myself becoming. Expanded, Abundant, Happy. Writer, lover, yoga teacher.” You are Amazing and I love watching you grow! This is your year to soar even more so
Thank you Rhonda ~ keep writing and living in NOW as you did when in Italy, you may find yourself back in Italy sooner than you actually realize….
Happy New 2012 ~ I’m sure there are a lot of breakthroughs in store for you. x
I agree with your friend..it truly seems that not only your heart but your entire soul misses Italy. I hope that you will find peace and comfort here but never forget the true splendor you experienced on your trip. Your words are beautiful and I’m sure you will find the words to describe your life very quickly…it’s a new year and can’t wait to see what it brings for you.
I truly look forward to reading your blog each week, Rhonda. Transition is a time where it seems so easy to let old habits kick in, not that they were wonderful but at least you know them. You experienced something so different in Italy that you will never be the same again. I am looking forward to seeing what beauty unfolds in your life-from mud to lotus. Thanks!
What a beautiful description of those pesky transition times and how to be gentle with the re-entry process. I have learned to embrace the ME I am beneath changes, celebrating who I am becoming as I celebrate the process. Powerful stuff!
I always love reading your posts, Rhonda. Love to know that your trip has help you what you are becoming today, as a person. Best of luck in all your undertakings and journeys..
“But my heart is not a whiner; she has a strong voice now.” LOVE this. And I can totally relate to the journey of transforming into the person I AM now changing constantly into
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Terressa – As someone how has practiced and then taught many forms of yoga for the past 40 years, all I can say is that yes, yoga gets inside of you! You think you are doing it for exercise and yes, it is a workout (especially hot yoga, the kind I now teach at Riverflow Yoga) but slowly you realize that is really is the practice of transformational living. Give it a try….let me know where you are located and I can help you find a good studio!
“How do I stay grounded but keep from letting my old habits grind me down to dust?”
This is an eternal problem. I enjoy having both feet on the ground, but then the old habits and the demons have an easier time of finding me.
Good idea to make no plans for them!
“the Who Howler”…wow, that is a powerful image, Rhonda. Best of luck with recovering from the jet lag, that can be such a time distorter! Love how your plan for re-entry is to fully embody the person you are constantly changing into. Great post!
Great article. I have not tried yoga but I have heard many amazing things about how it can really change a persons life. Thanks for sharing.
Rhonda, love the article. Part of that is jet lag not having fresh oxygen for the flight can be very exhausting and may take days. You will take the time you need to find what you should be doing you are on track I see you as expanding your horizions in this life changing trip you had!
Hi Lorrie – I am a huge Rilke fan so perhaps the influence shows! Thanks for your appreciation of my blog – its great to have engaged readers like you! Coming home from a journey can be just as challenging as taking one on…I will be posting more about how it feels as I move through it
Your post this week reminds me of the Rilke quote about living the questions until one day you find that the answers have appeared and you are now living them. I so enjoy this blog each week and the living example you live of how to be alive. Thanks!
Great posting! You are what you think and you express it so well since every thought you express here gives me also a feeling I can recognize. Then I think what’s behind it and what I like to feel and what thoughts makes me to feel at my very best and what I shall do for stay focused and work with momentum.
Hi Tracy – thank you for reading my posts and for looking forward to them! It is wonderful to take a journey of the soul at any point in your life…and it is always available for you. It has been an awakening for me to put myself out there, as you say, and to have so many people connect with that feeling of wanting to do just that. None of us is alone, and yet, we all are, in some ways…and both things are good.
I feel what you are saying, when we are on vacation alone, its just us we need to think about and take care of. We don’t worry about the roof over our head, money in the bank, our children, we are just thinking about ourselves and the moments we are in. Then we come home and reality slaps us in the face. I am trying to look at it this way ,It took me 30 years to get here so I am not going to get there tomorrow. i feel better knowing I am not the only one on a journey back to myself Thanks for putting yourself out there for those of us who are hiding .
Rhonda love reading your articles and I love what you do! I love yoga too and one of my favorite yoga poses is the tree pose
Thanks for sharing this post with us!